a certified nut

i never had the notion that what we had was an exemplary marriage. but i didn't think it was that bad, either. after almost two decades and a teen-aged son you'd come to a conclusion it would endure. it didn't.

now, how on earth did i become psychologically incapacitated? how the hell did the psychologist figure that out without even meeting me or talking to me? and just what does narcissistic personality with traces of antisocial personality disorder mean...? i was diagnosed to be emotionally disturbed and deprived of parental guidance during my formative years and that clinically, said disorder is continuing, incurable, grave and treatment will be impossible. hahaha! i'm really something, am i not? ooopps... not to mention happy-go-lucky, impulsive, aggressive, consistently irresponsible, lacking in empathy and remorse.

petitioner has been evaluated as a patient, responsible and generous man who has a strong sense of commitment and has a sheer determination to succeed in his choices. that he is not suffering from any psychological disorder that would affect his ability to perform his marital obligations (i.e. disassociating himself not only with his son but his entire family as well, living in with his first cousin's wife, withdrawing his ex-wife's and son's savings, leaving a load of debt for his ex-wife to pay, not being able to make decisions for his family, habitual womanizing, periodic abandonment of his family...).

but enough of that. when i finally realized that to be able to go forward, acceptance is essential. give or take 730 days of remorse is long enough. i've stopped blaming us. it takes two to make a marriage and two to undo it. if he drove me crazy, i drove him crazier. he pushed me away, i pushed even further.

forgiveness is possible, if it comes from the heart. i've asked for his forgiveness and sincerely wish him peace and happiness, whatever that may mean. he was once a part of my life and together we had a son. if only for that, i guess i will always want him to have something better.

i used to believe in the kind of marriage that lasts as long as you both shall live... of being with one man and loving him everyday... the first you see when you wake up, the last before you go to sleep. i still do. i still am...