revisiting places

i am one of the most sentimental people i know -- sentimental but not overly emotional. oh, but i do cry at movies sometimes... magnifico for one, left me sniffling towards the end. i treasure my memories, all of them. even those that rendered me utterly pathetic.

ever since my granddaughter ayel came into our life, i kept asking myself if i had been a good mom to R. my answer is, i could've done better. instead of worrying too much about him not having enough sleep, i could've let him stay awake and played with him. instead of spending too much time tidying and cleaning the house, i could've spent it with him.

sure, his dad and i took him places. everywhere we went, we brought him along. even if i had to do the grocery shopping alone i always took R with me. i also didn't want a nanny for for my son then so i took care of him myself. still, i believe i could've done better.

i guess i was too uptight then -- a young and inexperienced first time mom wanting to do everything the way i was told it should be. what i should've done was listened and followed my instincts, too. the way a mom does.

with little ayel, i am relaxed and flexible. who cares if she turns the house upside down? i've stopped being too uptight about the house being clean and orderly -- it is our home, not a department store where everything should be in place all the time. who cares if i go to work with eyebags from sleeping late? ayel kept us awake, so we played with her and we had fun.

watching her makes me soppy. i am going through mixed emotions about wanting her to remain just as she is now for a wee bit longer while at the same time wishing for her to grow up soon enough so we can take her places.

i do not wish to replace my memories, i am just making new ones. pretty much like a tree that keeps branching out and sprouting greener leaves. smiles... tears... laughter... surprise... joy & excitement... i want ours to be filled with those and more.

i am retracing steps i took with R, but this time, i am taking his little girl with me. together, we'll revisit places on foot and by heart.