the thread that binds... still

my cellphone started ringing the moment i arrived at the office. it was my father-in-law's number flashing onscreen.

"hello, A!" the voice on the other line exclaimed. i remember that voice so well -- it was my mother-in-law. well... former mother-in-law.

"Mom...?" i answered.

yes... she is in manila... back to US on saturday... was supposed to go to London to visit cousin... elder sister died so she came home instead for the funeral... died of depression... died of depression?!?

"remember tita E -- the spinster? she died of loneliness. don't ever be depressed, A."

"me, depressed? hardly. i used to be, long ago... i'm actually happy, Mom.'

"we're survivors. we are lucky."

"that we're still alive?" we both laughed.

"saw your husband's picture... bigotilyo... "

i laughed. it seemed somewhat strange that we're casually talking about my husband P who is not her son.

"i am leaving today open for R and ayel," she continued, "i want to see them before i leave."

"sure," i said, "you'll love ayel. she's such a beautiful child."

"i can't believe R has made us great grandparents already!" she exclaimed.

we wanted to chat some more but i was at the office and already being called for duty. "ok then, i will get in touch with R and tell him to call you up," i said.

talking with Mom on the phone was... nice. we didn't talk that way while i was married to her son. bone of contention eliminated, maybe?

it has been more than seven years ago. i used to count the days as they passed by, ever so slowly... when every waking hour a struggle of sorts. now it's more like has it really been that long...?

i had a great relationship with my father-in-law but the bestest was with my brothers-in-law. practically growing up together -- we shared jokes and secrets and drank from the same glass. we also played "pekwa" while doing our homeworks with my youngest bro-in-law JV acting as look-out in case Mom or Dad happened to come up the stairs unnoticed. once a signal was given, the cards would quickly be stashed under our notebooks, books or tablecloth (together with the loose change, gamblers!).

the first time my husband R left us to "be alone for a while to find himself" (i've always wondered why he kept losing himself), my son R (who was barely a year old) and i stayed at my in-laws for more than a year. Dad was giving me the girl's room (formerly my sister-in-law's) but i chose to share the boy's room with my wacky bro-in-law, JN. i would wake him up every morning and together we commuted to school. sometimes we would get up earlier than usual just so we'll have time for a tokwa't-lugaw breakfast in blumentritt. my other bro-in-law, M and i on the other hand would agree to meet in front of Quiapo church after class, eat at McDo's then go window shopping along Rizal Avenue. they kept my spirits alive those times when i was at my lowest. in turn, i would review them for their exams or type term papers. i was a confidante (who never squealed), an adviser, a buddy, a sister who stood in the middle of fist fights...

we played practical jokes on each other -- even Dad, the quiet one was not spared -- using a pentel pen, M and i would draw objects on their sleeping bodies. during power failures, we would scare each other by telling ghost stories. other times we would turn the circuit breaker off and traumatize anyone who happened to be taking a bath. the poor victim would hastily come out of the bathroom -- livid, half naked, soaped all over.

Dad and i "videoked" -- he is a good singer. when i took up PT, i would ride with him back to manila, talking and laughing as we traveled. i would candidly ask him questions the answers to which he'd dared not tell Mom. he also took me along as he went on site inspections and would ask if i was hungry each time we passed by a fast food restaurant. he supported us when we put up our video shop several years ago. i remember always being tasked to ask snack money from Dad who has forever been generous with me.

a lot of fond memories in there... when my marriage with R ended, it pained me to think that my friendship with his family will end as well for he was the thread that binded. while my son's relationship to them is by blood, mine just by affinity.

two years after the separation, they reconnected with me. like nothing happened. my bro-in-law M told me that i should not waste my life on a man who does not appreciate me, even if that man happened to be his own brother. congratulated me when i married P... he was glad that i was shaken to my senses and got my life back.

i would like to think that it is because we have a friendship totally separate from the one i had with their brother that keeps us in touch. i cannot treat them any other way except as my brothers-in-law. they will always be that to me... Dad will always be "dad"... Mom will always be "mom". a thread will always be there -- my son R and little ayel... binding us for all time.

in fairness and with due respect to my husband P, i do not keep anything from him -- especially those that concern them. i have formally introduced him to Dad when P and i brought little ayel to meet her great grandfather.

i wish the same for my son R who misses his own dad. i hope his father would reconnect with him and rekindle the friendship they had which is totally separate from the one we had as husband and wife. in time, probably... hopefully... anything is possible. even the unexpected.