into the blur 4 : the unextinguishable flame

they had been at it shortly after she arrived. she could hear their laughter. glancing casually, she counted -- 6 heads downing hard liquor while feasting on grilled bangus and crispy pata. she shook her head and went back to drown her headache and hunger in front of the computer.

she took the earphone and turned the music volume up. ironic, but it somehow gave her a sense of peace and quietness. she kept looking at the time on the bottom right of her desktop. at the corner of her eyes, she noticed that he had made at least three trips towards his wallet. "the perfect host," she told herself, "making sure the bottles are never empty and their stomachs always full..." she knitted her brows. when you invite friends over for a drinking session, is it customary that you have to provide the cigarettes too? "if that is the case, he should have brought along guest relations officers to sit on their laps as well", she thought.

it was past midnight. she had taken a cup of coffee to ease her hunger. turning the pc off, she walked past them towards the bathroom and took a shower. he was standing before the sink, crushing more ice when she got out of the shower.

"aren't you done yet? it's almost two o'clock in the morning," she said.

"yeah, yeah..." was all he said.

walking back to the room, she looked at his friends who were drunk beyond reason and sprawled on the sofa and living room floor. there were empty bottles on the floor, cigarette butts and ashes strewn all over the table. she wished he had other friends. decent ones. she looked at him irritably... he can hardly hold himself up. the perfect host getting himself even drunker than his guests.

"i'm going to bed", she called to him. "i'm tired and i still have to go to work tomorrow". she slowly closed the door behind her. minutes later, she heard footsteps and the door closing. then a long silence.

the bedroom door swung open. "they've left...", he slurred. she looked at him, not saying anything. he sat on the bed and started to vomit. "don't get vomit on the sheets!" she shouted, "if you must, go to the bathroom!"

he kept on puking. she stood up, walked towards him and and pulled his arm. "get up, get up!" she cried. he pushed her away.

"what is it now?" he shouted. "know what, i can burn you alive, right this minute. you want me to pour gasoline over you, huh! now where is that gasoline... i'm going to burn you alive!"

she looked at him sharply. "go ahead..." she answered, looking at the little angelic figure sleeping on the crib at the side of the bed.

he started towards the door but suddenly fell on the bed. wearily, she walked toward the other side of the bed, circled the crib and caressed her sleeping daughter's foot. then she crouched on the corner, chin resting on her knees. she looked at him... asleep on the bed and snoring loudly.

bitterly, she smiled. when he was threatening to pour gasoline over her, the only thought that came to her was to be able to get her baby out of the room. nothing more, nothing less.