looks like rain

she gently massaged her neck and glanced at the clock. it was almost 5 o'clock. feeling nauseous and somewhat dizzy, she wondered why this afternoon felt different. she looked at the clock again. five more minutes. she stared blankly at the monitor, thinking back. a little voice in her head had been telling her to take the rest of the day off and come home--quickly. she didn't. she wanted to but decided not to.

she's had it for as long as she can remember--an uncanny feeling of precision and accurateness, of something important just about to happen. but as always, it was awful. there had been several instances when she knew the exact day she was going to get hurt, even had dreams about the whole scenario two or three days before it happens. as a young girl, she had dreamed of her grandfather lying on the bed, saying goodbye. three days later, he died. several years later, she had another dream. that of her husband and another woman, how they met, how they started. it was also in her dream that she learned of the woman's name. she was correct.

"wouldn't it be nice if i have dreams of winning lotto numbers instead," she softly muttered to herself, "then i can bet on them in the morning." as she stepped out of the office, she felt the wind in her face. cold and damp. she looked up for a moment and walked towards the street. she had been standing on the stop for almost ten minutes when she decided to walk home. it was not that far anyway, not if you're killing time. she didn't want to be home just yet. she had this sensation of wanting to get home as fast as she can while at the same time dreading what she knew awaited her. a feeling of coming home to an end.

she walk on home, slowly... watching her feet, counting her steps. her mind raced back to previous incidents--the numerous excuses he would give her for coming home late, the overlapping cash outs for various expenses like new car tires she didn't even see, the midnight phone calls she would overhear when he thought she was asleep and which would immediately be ended when he thought she stirred, the numerous unexplained bank withdrawals, the echoing silence between them...

she was halfway when the rain started to fall. it wasn't heavy, just enough to get you wet. she hated umbrellas and never brings one. maintaining the same pace, she clutched her handbag close to her breast to keep it from the rain. not a bit tired but exhausted inside. and the rain was already falling at a faster interval...

she knew this afternoon would be different... she knew he wouldn't be there at five to pick her up. and she knew he wouldn't be there either when she got home.

weekend fire drill

looking out the window with a cup of coffee in hand, she was glad it was a saturday. mentally making a list of the things she had to do, she made her way towards the door. there was a commotion outside.

"...what could it be..." she asked herself.

"just take what is important!" her mother cried, coming towards her, handing a sack.

"what's happening? what's happening? what's this for?" she said back.

"the house next door is on fire! hurry up, pack your things and get out of the house!"

moving methodically as if in a trance, she reached for her bag and some plastic folders. as she was going out of the door, she glanced at the house next door. "yeah, it's on fire..." she muttered.

she was standing at the front gate, bag in one hand, the folders in the other.

"what's that? and where's the sack? you're supposed to put your clothes in there," her mother said.

"i have what i need. you said take what's important," she answered, looking at the fire.

"then what are those?" her mother asked.

"just my bag and my annulment papers..." she mumbled. "i will be needing them on monday."

what..what..? what..!

this was sent to me by a friend who is a psychologist by vocation and a freelance lunatic by avocation. i am not sure what results my answers would give, but i am not going to pay for its evaluation. i am a certified nut anyway. but first, she asked me a classic: if you were on a ship with your mother, child and husband and the ship sank, leaving the four of you in the middle of the ocean. you being the good swimmer--whom will you save if you can only save one? if it were up to me, i will surely go for my child. instead i answered, "the one nearest me..."

what color would you like your sky to be?
--pastel green
if you were given an orange, what would you do with it--smell it, feel it, eat it, look at it?
--smell it
when buying shoes, how do you select it? what color would it be?
--one look, one fit--red
what are you most afraid of and why?
--being in the middle of the sea/ocean--can't see where the water ends and where the sky begins
if you were to have one super power, what would it be?
--fly
if you were to have one amazing gadget/machine, what would it be?
--time machine
what is your most favorite jewelry/accessory?
--bracelet
what is your least favorite jewelry/accessory?
--watch
if you can choose where your house will be situated, where would it be?
--on a hillside overlooking the sea
describe yourself
--somewhat crazed
description from others you liked the most-- and why
--psychologically incapacitated--amusing
how do you deal with pain?
--clean, bake, paint, laugh
when looking at the opposite sex, what attracts you the most?
--thighs
what was the most outrageous thing you ever did?
--befriended & consoled the woman who cost me my marriage
what was the most spontaneous thing you did?
--got married
what would you consider to be the weirdest thing about you?
--rounding bits of cooked rice into balls
what do you when when you're angry?
--keep to myself
if there is one thing you can do over and over again, what would it be?
--study
if you can have one plant in your yard, what would it be?
--a baobab tree
if there is only one color, what would you like it to be?
--yellow
what is your favorite time of day?
--dawn
if you had one but one matchstick left, what would you do with it?
--light a candle if there was one, or make a bonfire
would you rather eat with : your hands? with spoon & fork?
--with my hands
which is your favorite finger?
--ring finger on the left
right-handed or left-handed?
--right-handed
which hand are you most at ease?
--left hand
how often do you look at yourself in the mirror?
--at the most, once a day while combing my hair after bath
when taking a bath, what part of your body do you wash first?
--my hair
after getting home, what do you take off first?
--my shoes
what, in your opinion, is the loneliest word/phrase?
--goodbye
...the happiest?
--i'm home
...the most significant?
--i'm sorry
what do you think is the foundation of any relationship?
--trust
would you rather be spared from hurt by a lie, or heartbroken by a truth?
--i'd rather it be given to me straight
if you can change anything in your past, what would it be?
--nothing
what is your fantasy?
--a door that leads to the past

representation of fear

she was suddenly awakened by the cold, damp wind touching her skin. as she sat on the bed, her eyes rested on her infant son sleeping beside her. she looked around, confusion slowly turning to terror. she was standing on a wooden floor but there were no walls around her, no roof--just a skeleton structure of what looked like a building under construction in the middle of nowhere... they were at the top and it was wobbling at every passing wind.

she had to be calm. walking towards the kitchen sink, she turned on the faucet handle only to realize that the water gushed all the way down to the ground below. it was getting dark and the wind was getting colder. she wrapped her son in a blanket and cradled him to keep him warm. walking towards the edge, she peered carefully... there has to be a way down. now it was starting to drizzle.

she can feel her panic slowly eating away her strength and courage. she had to bring her baby down safely before the drizzle turns to rain. there was no one in sight... and not one single house. they were alone.

using a blanket to wrap her baby securely around her, she picked up a bag containing their clothes and went back to the edge. small drops of rain were starting to fall on her face.

she looked ahead, then looked down. she smiled and lightly touched her lips onto her son's forehead. firmly grabbing the rough nailer, she slowly made her way down... every step strengthened not by sheer courage but of a mother's love.

of hymns and bananas

i treasure a lot of memories from my LCC days--give or take 2,200 (or 22,000 hours) of them. it was an all-girls school, but we had boys up to grade 4. in grade 1, the boys' section was separated from us girls, and everytime a student was talkative, the teacher would send her to the boys section (and vice versa). imagine having to sit there amongst the boys--utterly humiliating. i know--i was sent there once.

LCC is a BIG school. you can get lost walking through its corridors. from the school entrance is a long walk through a shaded lane crossing the first and second gates. we had our own chapel, auditorium, audio visual room, a quadrangle that can accommodate the whole student body during flag ceremonies, 3 libraries (elementary, high school and college), 3 canteens, playground, basketball/volleyball court, music rooms, sewing room, a refectory, biology room, zoology room, chemistry labs, student dorms, nun's laundry area, another quadrangle inside the school grounds, nun's dorm, a big parking lot, home economics room, reception hall, typing room... we've managed to roam around the campus in our days but there were still a lot of doors left undiscovered.

we had mass every first fridays, at every saint's feastday, principal's birthday... in our gala uniform. confessions were held before each mass otherwise we couldn't receive communion. every section would be scheduled for confession and sometimes we would have to invent sins so we will have something to tell the father confessor. we wondered how our school priest still had the strength to say mass after hearing a multitude of sins. we had a music teacher, Ms. V, who tirelessly taught us new songs for the mass. our music room was located at the back of the auditorium. to alleviate sleepiness (our class was every 2pm), we would mimic Ms. V's mouth as she sings, exaggerate the pronunciation of the words, or sing loudly... we were shouting, actually.

when i was in 2nd year HS, my best friend L. and I discovered an enchanting area inside the campus. somewhere at the back was the janitor's area. they had their own dorms and basketball court, adjacent to the nun's laundry area. they had pigs, lots of them and during recess, we would watch them eat. trees abound--atis, starapple, guavas, bananas, chesa, sampaloc, and so with several other vegetables which the janitors plant themselves. we didn't think it was forbidden to roam around so every lunchbreak would find L. and I dawdling at what seemed to be a plantation of some sorts. we would laugh hysterically each time we found a ripe banana. one time, we discovered a "buwig" of bananas and we cut it off the tree using a small blade, then naughtily hid it and covered it with dried leaves so the janitors wouldn't see. we stashed it away and ate it as it ripened. then our eyes rested on a guava tree. another treasure! i would climb up and gather all the ripe ones, using my skirt as a basket. there was one time i was caught by a nun atop a guava tree. i almost fell. the starapple was the hardest to get, though. since we couldn't find a stick long enough to get it off the tree, we threw rocks at it and mumbled our frustration instead. other times we would bring home a schoolbagful of vegetables (sigarilyas, pechay, puso ng saging, bataw). what about our notebooks? since it was impractical to have one bag for school things and one for our loot, we decided to get ourselves a bigger bag instead. maldita talaga, hahaha!

one thing i learned from this--banana sap (dagta) stains--badly. all my uniforms had banana stains all over, and had the nuns rounded up all the students to find out who had been harvesting their bananas, L. and I would have been guilty as sin.

in 4th year high school, the rooms assigned to us were former student dormitories at the second floor. our room was big, with huge capiz windows on both sides of the walls so the breeze crossed, softly rocking us to sleep. and sleep we did. there was a wide divider at the end of the room and what the teachers didn't know was we pulled a bed from the stockroom and positioned it behind the divider. we took turns sleeping on it... during class hours. if the teacher happened to call the name of anyone of us taking a siesta, we would chorus, "ma'm nasa cr po". the comfort room was another world. since it was a dorm, we had about 5 or six cubicles all in a row. we would sometimes hear the doors open and close by themselves. it was creepy so we normally go there in two's... or three's... or four's... when the lesson gets boring, our class of 38 would be reduced to around 20... the rest would be found having their own discussion or eating in the comfort room. my last year in LCC was the most nostalgic. we spent the last half of the year practicing for our graduation--and getting ready for the world.

i always smile each time i pass by my alma mater. it molded me, strengthened my faith in God, and to this day holds some of the fondest memories of my youth.

annulment 101

when you have been notified as respondent in an annulment case, the first thing you do is find a lawyer. ummn... no. let me rephrase that -- the first thing you do is cry, and then find a lawyer. that is, if you want to file counter charges so you don't come out a complete loser... or dork... in my case, it was a matter of wanting to set things straight and to be able to render facts intentionally omitted by petitioner.

"but that's just the way it is," my boss told me. "why on earth do you want to file counter charges for?" he asked.

"but it isn't all true, most of it," i said. "the facts of our marriage have been twisted and turned into his favor. and it will be documented as is if i don't say anything."

"do you have any plans of running for public office?" he continued.

"whaa...? no!" i said.

"then what the hell. as long as he is paying, let him."

it turned out that my petitioner's girlfriend wanted to get married, hence, the annulment.

pouring my heart out, i believe is a very personal matter, so finding a lawyer i can be comfortable with was a consideration. since i never imagined i would be in a civil lawsuit one day, i didn't know of any. my mom got in touch with her friend who has a brother who has a classmate whose brother-in-law is a civil lawyer. now, why didn't i just let my fingers do the walking and browsed through the yellow pages?!?

after talking with him on the phone, my lawyer asked me to go to his house in kamias, quezon city so we can discuss the details of my case. i gave him a copy of my written answer to the petition. he said he would write the petitioner's lawyer and ask for an extension because he is going abroad for some business, and could i please deposit P15,000 into his account before he leaves.

when he came back after a month, he asked me to go to his office in ortigas so i can sign the counter charge documents he has prepared for me. it was the one i had written and which he copied word for word (wrong spellings for his account). after signing the documents, he told me he was having it delivered that same day and could i please deposit another P5,000 into his account. now i am slowly beginning to feel comfortable.

a preliminary hearing was set between petitioner, me and our lawyers to appear before the prosecutor. funny thing happened... my lawyer was nowhere in sight. i attended the hearing by myself. i called him up when i got home and he told me that he was there, he just didn't find the room assigned to us.

"you got lost for two hours? why didn't you ask around?" i said.

"could you please deposit another P5,000 into my account?" he asked.

"for what?" i asked back. "to be honest, i no longer care if they write me off as a nut. i think we'll both be better off with the annulment. i no longer wish to attend hearings if only to make the process faster. i will not be needing your services anymore."

"don't you want your annulment to be based on his incompetence rather than yours?" he said.

(i could've said "or yours, maybe?") "it's just paper, really. no matter how many times they declare me psychologically incapacitated, they can't make me one. the only ones who know the story of our marriage is petitioner and me. besides, we do need justifiable grounds, don't we? one of us has to be the psycho. if it has to be me, then so be it."

that was how i came to be a certified nut.

a certified nut

i never had the notion that what we had was an exemplary marriage. but i didn't think it was that bad, either. after almost two decades and a teen-aged son you'd come to a conclusion it would endure. it didn't.

now, how on earth did i become psychologically incapacitated? how the hell did the psychologist figure that out without even meeting me or talking to me? and just what does narcissistic personality with traces of antisocial personality disorder mean...? i was diagnosed to be emotionally disturbed and deprived of parental guidance during my formative years and that clinically, said disorder is continuing, incurable, grave and treatment will be impossible. hahaha! i'm really something, am i not? ooopps... not to mention happy-go-lucky, impulsive, aggressive, consistently irresponsible, lacking in empathy and remorse.

petitioner has been evaluated as a patient, responsible and generous man who has a strong sense of commitment and has a sheer determination to succeed in his choices. that he is not suffering from any psychological disorder that would affect his ability to perform his marital obligations (i.e. disassociating himself not only with his son but his entire family as well, living in with his first cousin's wife, withdrawing his ex-wife's and son's savings, leaving a load of debt for his ex-wife to pay, not being able to make decisions for his family, habitual womanizing, periodic abandonment of his family...).

but enough of that. when i finally realized that to be able to go forward, acceptance is essential. give or take 730 days of remorse is long enough. i've stopped blaming us. it takes two to make a marriage and two to undo it. if he drove me crazy, i drove him crazier. he pushed me away, i pushed even further.

forgiveness is possible, if it comes from the heart. i've asked for his forgiveness and sincerely wish him peace and happiness, whatever that may mean. he was once a part of my life and together we had a son. if only for that, i guess i will always want him to have something better.

i used to believe in the kind of marriage that lasts as long as you both shall live... of being with one man and loving him everyday... the first you see when you wake up, the last before you go to sleep. i still do. i still am...